My Heartbeat Beats Me Senselessly...

Oh, where to begin... Nothing major has happened since I went to the doctor last week (aside from today's incident). I've just been feeling a lot of anxiety the past week or so. They gave me some medication to help me sleep at night which has helped for the most part. I've been feeling a lot anxiety during the day now. I think it's the same amount I've always had but I'm just hypersensitive to it now that I have time without it (even if it is while I'm sleeping). It tends to hit me like a brick wall during the day. I spoke with the social worker with my Transplant team on Friday and she assured me that everything I'm feeling in regards to waiting for a heart is perfectly normal. She said losing my Mom in the middle of all this as well as the added stress of the holiday season is probably making things slightly harder for me. She's going to call me tomorrow and we're going to find someone up here that I can talk to about things. As most of you know, I usually answer "How are you feeling?" with "Good" or "Ok" even if I really feel like crawling into a ball and crying. I guess it's just a defense mechanism. There are so many people who seem to care about how I am feeling it tends to get a bit over whelming. It's not that I am ungrateful for all the support everyone has shown. It's just the constant "How are you doing?" remind me of everything I'm going through. And sometimes I just don't want to think about it.

As another reminder of everything I'm going through, this afternoon I was having some palpitations that where quite annoying. It would feel like my heart was fluttering and then the air would be sucked out of my lungs. It's happened once or twice before but today it was a little more regular. I guess an irregular heartbeat is regular for me because I left work a little early and after speaking with the Nurse Practitioner down in Philly I went to my cardiologist up here just to make sure everything was ok. He kept his office open late for me since I would be arriving after his normal office hours. I love rolling into a doctor's office or hospital VIP style. Lol. Anyway, my EKG was fine. My blood pressure was 90 over 60 which would be low on most people but is normal for me. He interrogated my pacemaker and it didn't show any events for today. I did have some activity on December 1st at about 2am but I must have slept through it. He said he would let my electrophysiologist up here as well as the team in Philly know what he found. Or I guess what he didn't find. It's frustrating that I have the "incidents" and they don't show up on anything or never seem to happen when I'm hooked up to a monitor. It makes me feel like the boy who cried wolf. Which adds to the anxiety and brings it all full circle. I was told recently that it's ok for me to show emotion through all this. I don't always have to be a rock. And I'm starting to learn that it's true.