Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm counting sheep but running out...

It's a terrible thing not being able to sleep. To go to bed expecting to sleep and then to just lay there wide awake. I swear, my mind could be used for an Energizer Batteries commercial. It seems to just keep going and going and going. The Green Day song Brain Stew pretty much sums up the way I feel right about now.

This doctor appointment I have isn't really helping matters any. I can pretty much recite how it's going to go verbatim. They'll do an EKG, check my vitals, go through my ever growing list of medications, do a run down of my symptoms and then tell me again how they couldn't ask for a patient to be anymore perfect given my condition. They'll end it by asking if my Dad or I have any questions besides the obvious of when is the transplant going to happen (which I will half jokingly ask anyway) and then they'll schedule to see me again in a month.

The answer they'll give me to the "when" question is soon. Well, what is the actual definition of soon? I've been hearing it a lot lately and to be quite honest, it's getting real old, real fast. It's such a vague word. Everyone has a different concept of how long soon will be. I feel like saying something will happen soon or I'll do something soon is such a cop out. I know, we all say it "Talk to you soon" or "See you soon" but why don't we just actually give a more specific time. And I know that when it comes to my heart they can't really do that because even they don't know when it's going to happen. So maybe they should tell me what needs to happen in order to make soon come sooner.

I know the answer to that question too. I need to get more sick in order to get better. That's another great thing to hear from your doctors. I usually have such a positive attitude towards things but lately I'm to the point where I just want this all to be over. I want to jump ahead to a year from now when I'm all better and back to living a normal life again. Back to driving. Back to work. Back to enjoying my youth. I've aged more in these past 6 months tan most do in 10 years. I'm not saying this for pity. I'm saying this because I feel as if I'm getting cheated in some way. I'm missing out on doing things that people my age should be doing. I can't travel. I can't drive. Hell, I can't even work anymore. Maybe it's my lack of sleep or maybe it's my medications not working enough but I'm just getting worn out. and I need this all to be over.

Well, I guess that's enough of me ranting for one night. I should at least lay in bed and pretend to sleep until I have to leave for Philly in a few hours. I will let you all know how the doctor appointment goes. Although I think I summed it up pretty well above...


1 comment:

  1. DO you have a list of everything you are going to do once you get your new heart?? You and I always talked about going to Australia... you won't be too old to do anything. More than most people you have realized how precious life is and to live it the way you want to. As unfortunate it is that you have had to go through all of this, you are fortunate to have that knowledge. People go there whole lives without ever actually living. I am always here to travel with...just say the word!!